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The trees are completely bare
and the rain brings a foggy blanket
of soft yellow contemplation
and hair thin strings of light that enter my room.
I feel lonely.

For the next three weeks
a 10km walk and weights
will be like sleep to a soldier mid war,
making hospital preparations
makes me want this feeling to be so temporary,
but it’s not.

I feel like a cat on a hot tin roof,
like the surgery is broad casted on everyone’s mind the second we meet,
not knowing what to do but not wanting to be touched either
knowing I just want a hug and a kiss
but just don’t have anyone to ask it
so why be uncomfortable with a thought deferred?

Why do we make ourselves suffer?
The things that make me happy are many,
wearing bright color clothing in winter, taking photos,
writing, deserving a shower after a good workout,
loving the little things like a facial and learning every day–
I know friends by the language they speak to me
I want a partner as good as the friends I have.

In my quiet resignation and protest,
I throw myself in the wind, vacation message on:
China, Canon and Claudia on my mind, saying Nihao
to the land of the Terracotta army, Tiananmen Square and Great Wall.
Hope it hugs me in silk and kisses my tears away,
The world is big place to conquer.