November 22nd, 2008
It’s been so difficult to find motivation to do my routine. I make myself go to the gym but after 8 minutes my run turns to a walk and I do maybe half. I know I’m brooding, magnifying concerns, trying my hardest to be strong and allow logic to steer the situation, but it’s not working.
Calling home to tell my family that I’ll be in the hospital for three days for major surgery was not easy. I had already cried my eyes for a day. They know how much I hate hospitals and surgery. I sat and looked at my wall for three hours the day I got the news. The only way I’ve been able to smile is to laugh at my own situation. I have three benign lumps with the biggest being 5cm by 4cm, the length of my index and the width of three fingers, on the uterine wall. The myomectomy will require four abdominal incisions and two weeks rest time of no walking. Not only do I have my reproductive health to worry about but now the knowledge of being physically helpless against a world I have always ran to tackle. There is a part of me that wants to lash out but I know I am as fragile as any human being. I don’t like feeling this way and thousands of miles from family. I have to be strong for myself. I have to maintain my usual routine so I don’t let these feelings of despondency, anxiety or anger grow.
I think, “Well, if uniballer Lance Armstrong wrote about his experience to cope, why can’t I?” I don’t want to play the victim nor do I want to be on the defensive. I can already hear my grandmother’s medical explanation that it’s because I’ve chosen to stay single. Women of all ages can have these problems with genetic disposition being the number one overwhelming cause. This isn’t something I can explain, confess or apologize for. Uterine myomas are slow growing masses that are responsible for the added hormone levels and painful menses experiences of females. Looking for information on the internet, many women have reported that myomectomy was not a procedure strongly advocated in the states due to the fact that not a lot of doctors practice it and the insurance prefers a full hysterectomy instead. Even the thought of a four day stay at the hospital for 2 million won is nowhere near the amount I would pay back home with insurance.
Through laughter, anger and anxiety, I know enough to be thankful that I’m in Korea.add to del.icio.us