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The house echoes my voice on the telephone like a Greek amphitheater bouncing off the wood laminate floors. I loved the white molding, tans and yellows that scream happiness inside of it as well as the big windows that let me see the world. I spent about eight months earning my way without furniture to accrue enough money, now it is empty and all my life’s contents in a 5″x5″. I locked myself in the closet like I use to do when I was young in order to get some quiet time and cry. The conversation with myself was unbearable and I paced the empty rooms trying to get a visual imprint of my almost former life. Through sobs and frustration of being unable to change the bit on the drill to install a towel hanger, I talked to myself. “You chose this. You can always quit and back out. You of all people know that this is right up your alley and you will do well. Nothing truly belongs to you but your own experiences. You have talked about it for years. What if you do quit and let go, do you really want to go back to the routine?” The towel rack goes in.

I am counting the days on the blue tatami of my jujitsu class. I have seen the walls of this building for well over five years and I stand close to the front of the line. In a class of 20, I am the only female. My Sensei looks at me and says, “Your perseverance will be tested. It is very difficult to be in a foreign country with no support group and relying on the kindness of others to point you the way. You cannot give up on yourself because quitting is very easy.” He never fails to remind me of my time in unemployment or the many jobs I had before I found teaching. He looks at me in line, “Two mile run, 100 break falls and push ups, and that’s just your first day. Don’t ever forget what ju-jitsu has done in your life.” The black belt test awaits me when I get back.

There are times in life when I feel so alone the room seems to cave in. As I am riding my bike down to buy tonight’s wine and flowers for dinner, today is not one of those days. There is both a great joy to seeing all the things that tie you to a place (bills, belongings, responsibilities) slowly being eliminated as well as the sadness of friends holding me close for an extended hug before I take off. Each days feels like my last and my heart screams to go everywhere.

All my worldly possessions that are going with me are in two duffel bags and I think of Solomon’s words, “Cry out for insight and understanding. Search for them like a money or lost treasure.” (Proverbs 2:2-4) Whatever doesn’t go with me will most likely not be needed; freedom is so easily confused for greed. I walk the lonely paths that many women shy from and although there are many things I want from the other side of the picket fence, there are so many things I have to be thankful for. I no longer want yearning and the longing for what use to be is gone. I seek knowledge, experience, wisdom, serenity, strength, happiness and a relationship with God. The time draws near, whoop!, here I go.