claudiapena.com

market scenes…

there’s the smell when you see the stars glow big and bright
and the moon searches the sun
underneath a pillowed cloud on a rocky mountainside
if I could seal it in a kiss and place it on poem,
put a stamp on it and mail it, I would

My cup is a waxy paper envelope
And the perfect disorganization of this country
reminds me of my own,
I want to run up to my grandma
and tell her of all the colors that look like the Colombian flag
Everything changes and people stay the same

Even from afar my heart is pained
I look at him trolling for a new scent,
he wouldn’t appreciate me anyways
He is no better than what I had before,
than all the mistakes I’ve done

The pig winks back at me
all meaning and is negotitiated,
love is just reinterpreted
And no mistake I’ve done can be erased by moving places,
just by changing heart…

The pig looks great flying on a hook.

10 Things I want to accomplish before I die (which I will try to accomplish at least half in this next two years)
1. Travel the world
2. Spend a Christmas in a tropical island
3. Spend a weekend high rolling in Vegas
4. Publish 3 books
5. Do MS 150 from Houston to Austin
6. Participate in native New Zealand ceremony
7. Sky dive
8. Finish my masters
9. Spend more time with my grandparents
10. Excel in my career

10 Things my trip has made me wonder about….
1. If English is the universal language, why do only 6 countries in the world speak it?
2. America is an expensive place to live, sure you earn more, but 45% of your salary, or 5 months of the year, are for other people/insurance/government, so how much do we really earn?
3. I have a lot of respect for a country that considers quality education and internet a requirement provided by the government instead of a gift.
4. Be prepared to get sick when traveling. If the mosquitoes don’t get you than maybe the jet lag, water, height, food, air….there’s no way around this.
5. Creative thoughts or actions are harder to come by the longer you follow a routine. However, some routine is necessary…I have to reserve 1 hour each day writing in the morning.
6. There are two times in your life to travel: when you are old or young. The experience will be totally different in what you are able to do and what kind of cash you are able/need to have.
7. Unfortunately, for the majority of the countries the prettier the wife the bigger the husband’s wallet…there’s a lot of materialism to human nature.
8. The functional/operational language must have vocabulary on bathroom, taxi, directions, and laundry.
9. It’s so annoying to see females thumb their intelligence down to fit in or be liked…this seems to be a universal phenomenon.
10. How honest a nation/family/individual is to themselves and others is an awesome indicator how much perspective on life and the ability to present a strong humble transparent self.

10 Things to do before embarking on a long trip
1. Know where you’re from…yes, this does require some light traveling
2. Know where you are going…operational language requirements
3. Go digital–take full advantage of your memory or ipod for storage
4. Financial consolidation and cleaning up credit card
5. Will
6. Visit those you love
7. Find a way to stay connected: Grand Central, Skype, etc
8. Know your limitations and test them often while raveling
9. Find out the closest hospital and medical care wherever you are going
10. Don’t give your important documents to anyone. Many countries will ask for your passport and never give it back. Place a copy in your hand bag and one in your Google account.

10 Things to place in your carry on bag
1. Kleenex and wet naps (’cuz not all bathrooms have toilet paper)
2. towel and hand towel
3. water bottle (remember to empty it before you go through customs)
4. sheet or throw blanket (think if you get stuck in an airport)
5. small container with the hygienic items you could not stand to loose if your bags were lost, mine is lotion and deo
6. pen and pad (at least three of these)
7. meds (know some traditional medicine, boiled parsley is a great diuretic, papaya is a natural laxative)
8. tennis, flip flops (the sandals for the shower the tennis should be light)
9. plastic bags (rain, carry out, spillage, etc)
10. napkins, fork, knife and spoon (it is so hard to eat soup udan on chop sticks)

The world’s oldest water clock: when the big pot fills each hour it makes the bell ring. Doors fascinate me.

Estimated transit time was about 22 hours and 12 minutes. Actual time from the moment I woke up to the moment I placed my bags on the stand was 43 hours…but aren’t we really in this massive transit of life all the time? Trying to be this, get somewhere, do something, get that to place so we can do this and that with greater ease. My father and I almost cried when we departed so I sped off…something about meeting destiny and not looking back went through my mind. I don’t want to be the object of anyone’s pain but I forgot to say I love you. I board the plane and I am still amazed at all the little things that mean so much in my life that I have taken for granted like the people who care about me, picking up on a whim in the middle of the night for coffee, a great slam on a tatami floor… The sunset is gorgeous and I saw the Rockies mold the land like bare dorsal bones on a skeleton or xylophone keys vibrating music. Life has a different beat for me now and I take advantage of all the in between spaces that don’t seem to have volume where this “nothingness” occurs: the suspension of time when a drummer’s calloused hands raise before hitting a freshly stretched head, or the medium blast of cruising engines, or even that huge empty universe that stood like raw clay waiting for expert hands to make the beginning of time. San Francisco is gorgeous and I saw the waters of the west coast for the first time in my life. Did I ever tell you how important those in between spaces are? Hey, did I tell you I love you?

Click on the logo and check out his site. The evening ended with my friends standing up to say beautiful words. My dad is still surprised and Mrs. D almost cried. I’ve taken for granted so many things and so many people in my life that are so important. The whim of a car and a cup of coffee late at night, the joy of doing nothing and enjoying the sun, and seeing my friends and family because and when I want to. I didn’t need any presents that day, all I needed was their presence. Love is all the small things and the big things that say, “I’ll be there with you no matter what, through whatever life throws, I will prevail.”

It’s 12 o’clock in the morning
and I miss the hair between my eyebrows
like I miss the bright orange wreath of my car
he asks, –what do you want me to do with the plates?–
I think on the question like
a death row inmate ponders the color of his last shoes
–Recycle them and make the world happy.–

The right side of my brain takes coup
My Will makes me giggle at reality
I don’t want a last ride
a last kiss
a last goodbye
If you had to make an effort
than I wasn’t that important to begin with
Just save your precious guitar picker
and keep on singing the same old song you are used to sing’n

This average gal wants more than ever
to be the cold pressed wheat germ oil
that heals a hopeless heart
fresh baked smell to wake the soul
that finally feels hunger
the ordinary is meaningful and the mundane is beautiful

The Will smiles back,
What do you really need that I can’t possibly give in my living breath?
What are you living for that you really can’t live without?
If I can answer those two questions,
than I think I found what success smells like

The house echoes my voice on the telephone like a Greek amphitheater bouncing off the wood laminate floors. I loved the white molding, tans and yellows that scream happiness inside of it as well as the big windows that let me see the world. I spent about eight months earning my way without furniture to accrue enough money, now it is empty and all my life’s contents in a 5″x5″. I locked myself in the closet like I use to do when I was young in order to get some quiet time and cry. The conversation with myself was unbearable and I paced the empty rooms trying to get a visual imprint of my almost former life. Through sobs and frustration of being unable to change the bit on the drill to install a towel hanger, I talked to myself. “You chose this. You can always quit and back out. You of all people know that this is right up your alley and you will do well. Nothing truly belongs to you but your own experiences. You have talked about it for years. What if you do quit and let go, do you really want to go back to the routine?” The towel rack goes in.

I am counting the days on the blue tatami of my jujitsu class. I have seen the walls of this building for well over five years and I stand close to the front of the line. In a class of 20, I am the only female. My Sensei looks at me and says, “Your perseverance will be tested. It is very difficult to be in a foreign country with no support group and relying on the kindness of others to point you the way. You cannot give up on yourself because quitting is very easy.” He never fails to remind me of my time in unemployment or the many jobs I had before I found teaching. He looks at me in line, “Two mile run, 100 break falls and push ups, and that’s just your first day. Don’t ever forget what ju-jitsu has done in your life.” The black belt test awaits me when I get back.

There are times in life when I feel so alone the room seems to cave in. As I am riding my bike down to buy tonight’s wine and flowers for dinner, today is not one of those days. There is both a great joy to seeing all the things that tie you to a place (bills, belongings, responsibilities) slowly being eliminated as well as the sadness of friends holding me close for an extended hug before I take off. Each days feels like my last and my heart screams to go everywhere.

All my worldly possessions that are going with me are in two duffel bags and I think of Solomon’s words, “Cry out for insight and understanding. Search for them like a money or lost treasure.” (Proverbs 2:2-4) Whatever doesn’t go with me will most likely not be needed; freedom is so easily confused for greed. I walk the lonely paths that many women shy from and although there are many things I want from the other side of the picket fence, there are so many things I have to be thankful for. I no longer want yearning and the longing for what use to be is gone. I seek knowledge, experience, wisdom, serenity, strength, happiness and a relationship with God. The time draws near, whoop!, here I go.