claudiapena.com

I hear you in silence:
Living life wishing you were dead,
negotiating with your body to just let go in its sleep,
bargaining with the heavens
to rescue you from misery.

At least in sleep
your brain is turned off and free,
in an endless muted weep for the
Maybe tomorrow,
Maybe next week
I’ll turn the corner
and be as I wish I could be

Chorus - There’s no point to anything,
What’s the point of this?
When you’ve lost your faith in everything,
You lost your will to live

Drugs and alcohol
are not an easy access
So now it’s rock and roll
and tobacco
You can make the noise louder than the nothingness
But how long can it keep?

I wish I could have enough faith for the two
An extra portion of love and care
But the more I give the less I have
And now I don’t even have enough for me

I stopped answering the calls,
checking the mail,
searching for you in all the avenues and wells
Wondering how you been
Do as you will
You always do, and always will
Get some help
Talk it out
Love your self
If not for you, than for the service of others

Chorus 1 and 2

Dear reader and essentially my family,
I sat down long and hard to think about bearing so much of myself to the world. I was always taught that family sticks together no matter what. I know that my decision to cut my brother off from my life monetarily and physically was going to cause alot of feelings, specially for my brother. I had to think about all the possible consequences to endure and the how: What if he actually commits suicide from his depression and how would I deal with it? I really hope my grandmother doesn’t stop talking to me because of this. I hope I haven’t lost my brother’s friendship. What if there is something I could have said or done to help him and I didn’t? Why in all my years of education can I not find the words or actions to cure this? I don’t know if I have lost “face” for my family but I know I’m not the only one dealing with this.

My best friend finally sat me down and lovingly said, “Claudia, I have heard you talk about your brother like this for two years. You are doing him more harm than you are doing good.” Two years? I think I have exhausted all avenues in this time and the feeling of failure took over, which for me means apathy and inaction. I can no longer honestly say maybe next week he’ll get better. I can do nothing for him at this point but listen and love him from a distance because up close it really hurts.

So, if my brother and family read this, hopefully more than once: I didn’t give up, dude. I just faced the music. Sometimes, I wish others would have been as persevering as I have been with you, but I guess that’s how we learn, quickly. My prayers, love and ear are yours.

My heart and support goes out to the families of those who persevere with mental diseases. Keep strong.

Sincerely,
Claudia Pena

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